Noe Bartmess


About Me

Display Name

Noe Bartmess

Twitter Handle

noebartmess

Website

http://noebartmess.com

What I Write

Writing Sample

The theme park’s Dungeon Crawl had been abandoned for a decade. Its empty ticket booth slumped disconsolately next to the entrance door. Above it, someone had graffitied “Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here” in cheerful pastels.

Aimee pushed open the door. Behind it lay an empty tavern, smelling of mildew. Rustic wooden tables dotted the room, most overturned. A side wall held an iron-banded wooden door painted with the words “Flippy 4-Ever!”, the “i” dotted with a little heart.

The door was locked, and there was no sign of her quarry. She would have to play through and hope he was on the other side.

Nightshade had suggested she try ordering an ale to activate the character creation process. The beer barrels were empty, but when Aimee experimentally stacked a couple broken pint glasses on the bar, it glowed, and a ghostly consent form coalesced above the bar.

She waved her way through without reading it and moved on to character customization. She was almost done when her phone pinged with a chat message from Nightshade.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯
Nightshade: Did it work?

Aimee: yes
just waiting for my costume to coalesce
my character is ZOFAR THE SEXIEST WIZARD DUDE
I turned the “outfit sexiness” dial all the way up
ahahahaha

Nightshade: Well, as long as you’ve got your robe and wizard hat.

Aimee: yeah
there’s not a lot of robe to the robe though
about as much robe as there is hat
⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Aimee stood, inspecting her full-body Zofar costume in the bar’s dusty mirror. His locks were artfully tousled and graced with a rakishly perched wizard hat the size of a fascinator. The wizard robe covered approximately the same amount of surface area and was strategically placed, for privacy.

A wand was tucked into Zofar’s string belt. She took it out and checked its heft. It wasn’t as well-balanced as she would have liked, but what was important, she figured, was how skillfully you used it.

A click sounded, and the door swung open. A tiny dolphin, ghostly and translucent as the consent form, floated in at head height.

“Hi, Adventurer!” it said, in a high-pitched buzzy voice that stabbed at her eardrums. “I’m Flippy, your Magical Adventure Guide! Behind the door lies…the ice spider cave! Are you ready to hear about the dangers you will undergo?”

What I Write

Humor fantasy! My work in progress, tentatively titled Millennial Femme Berserker, is a novel about friendship, heroism, and bad decisions, set in a malfunctioning magical amusement park. Think Terry Pratchett’s Tiffany Aching series meets a modern, edgy Lisa Frank.

Publications

Deciding whether to attend Clarion West, for disabled writers (blog post).
• Good representation of autistic characters in fiction, part I, part 2, and part 3.
• For more, see my website!

My Write-a-thon Goals

Writing Goals

[TBD]

Fundraising Goals

[TBD]