Through the belly of ocean
I had never been a man of great physical gifts I had always been short and skinny, I was a tiny man who looked like a kid, a man of 34 trapped in this teeny tiny body. I was ashamed of it I was ashamed of myself. I hated my body how I cursed his name who made it and gave it to me. my whole life I had been shit on by others but especially by woman. The only womanly touch I had ever known I had to pay for Suffice to say I was alone and frightened an eternal soul without a mate.
Lylas letter arrived this morning and I took it with me to the beach to read. I took the bus route #48 which then connects to another route #51 and then delivers me to Madison beach, it’s about an hour ride but I don’t mind it, the day is a little grey but nice and lylas letter has made things seem a little brighter. It makes me forget about the way bus driver kept starring at my face with a look of confusion. He didn’t know whether to call me son or sir. I despise my temple and I am as bald as an eagle or whatever those ugly birds are that eat away at the shit and the dead. I look like a young bird with thin white hair that surrounds my dome. I should really be thanking lyla for even letting me breathe in a little life from her.
When I arrive at the beach its empty not a soul insight, the winds crash into the ocean creating these massive waves. The day is gloomy and it looks like it could rain at any minute. Behind the clouds a dull orange light can barely be made out. The beach sand looks grey under the damp light but it smells wonderful, the seagulls squak over head and for a moment I feel at peace but it never last as I feel the letter poking out of my back pocket and I know I cant wait any longer and I’ll have to read it.
As I opened the letter I prayed that this time she’d say yes. Please god, I said to the wind “Let it be, just this time.” Just like all the other hundreds of times I prayed my hope never faded. But her words were daggers they read like a string of dissapointment’s “I’m sorry, I do not feel the same way but its good to hear from you” “You are a precious friend” “You have to come to Seaside its so wonderful” she wrote. I didn’t read the rest of the letter instead I ripped it to shit and threw it in the ocean. The tiny pieces floated in the wind and then came back down.
The day had been cool and now it was colder with bad news. A wind had picked up and ran its fingers through my hair. I pulled my coat tighter to me and fuck it ill admit that a few tears ran down my cheek. Rejection is a hurt unlike any other. I pictured her sitting at her beauty station her white walls surround her with pink roses and her pretty face is wavering in writing back to me or doing something else. I imagined her kissing luke, with him coming from behind her and tearing her away from me forever. Had I really loved her that much? It was hard to tell now, I wasn’t sure if I had ever really loved her but she was something to think about, she was something to give hope to. She was a goal a reason to let go of Kandice. The ocean waves grow bigger and the waves come crashing closer to me. The rising tide kisses the tips of my boots. I think of Kandice now she was a girl I adored. The first one.
The sounds of the ocean had always soothed me but now they tortured me, the waves came crashing closer to me, they sang her name. the ocean was doing its singing It was calling me again, the ocean calling for me to breathe it in and swallow it whole. I think the sailors call it the call of the void. The call to jump into the water and be one with it. The ocean was the only woman that wanted me now.
The waves came higher going past the tips of my boots. The oceans siren lullabying me home to join it. it said to me that everything down here is just. When swallowed whole everything fades and nothing matters. Kandice face came to me, her smile, her love of me, how I hated myself then. I walked closer to the water its cold waves surprising me wide awake. I was knee deep in the water its waves were pulling me in closer, it arms buckling my knees and making me stumble closer to it. 2 years of my life wasted on a woman that did not love me that would never love me. Two years that belonged to kandice instead of this strange woman, who could never replace her. The waves came crashing against me they were reaching my midsection now they were knocking me off balance. Beautiful kandice her face came to me her flat face and small eyes smiling at me tormenting me “I do” she said. the tears welled up inside me and I felt my heart and pride twist in agony. it scorched my chest but warmed my entire body. I made the sobbing sounds of a child in need of its mother. Another wave came and crashed down om me hard knocking me over into its jaws, it had captured me and now I was in the oceans death grip I felt weightless as I was being dragged and pulled from every which way. I was being digested through its belly, tumbling through the ocean I feel I am closer to my doom than I had ever been before my mind races as I panic and flail aimlessly I want to live! It had me though I was already in its guts passing through its internal system already being digested.
|What I Write
i mostly write short stories as i am preparing to write a novel. Jaimegalindobss@yahoo.com for any additional info